


I Don’t Need You (To Fix Me)

by taegiradar



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Canon Compliant, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, a very popular tag of mine lol, mentioned felix elimination, mentioned woojin leaving, takes place like 2 months before gods menu, they love each other tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25846105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taegiradar/pseuds/taegiradar
Summary: “Are we seriously going to have this conversation again? What is this? The 3rd time this week?” Chan’s voice is full of rage and impatience, something Felix rarely saw. Especially towards him.“Hyung…” Felix tries to not let the words hit his heart. He knows Chan cares for him, that’s why he’s doing this… He knows, but he can’t help the wounds they continue to make.or, Felix and Chan get into an argument and Felix leaves, but not for the reason Chan thinks it is.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 11
Kudos: 217





	I Don’t Need You (To Fix Me)

It was rare to see Chan genuinely mad at his team. He views them like family, like 7 parts that make up who Chan is. He loves them with his entire body and soul, and nothing will ever change that. And just like family, he gets slightly annoyed or irritated at times, especially when it came to their work, but it was always out of love and absolute trust.

It was even rarer to see him mad at Felix, everyone and their families well aware that the leader has an incredibly soft spot for the younger.

But that doesn’t mean he’s never felt a burning sense of rage within him, of course.

Maybe it was the stress of preparing for their 1st full album comeback, the nerves from all the variety shows he's scheduled to be on, or the increasing number of hate people on the internet sent him every day. Or maybe, it was all of that, and some more.

He’s just fucking fed up. He’s mad, because no matter how many times he’s told Felix that he can do it, no matter how many time he has used everything in him to convince the younger that he’s talented _enough_ \- Felix just couldn’t seem to get it in his head.

“Are we seriously going to have this conversation again? What is this? The 3rd time this week?” Chan’s voice is full of rage and impatience, something Felix rarely saw. Especially towards him.

“Hyung…” Felix tries to not let the words hit his heart. He knows Chan cares for him, that’s why he’s doing this… He knows, but he can’t help the wounds they continue to make.

“No. I know what exactly you’re going to say. You’re going to brush it off and tell me you want to ‘work on it more’. Well, Felix. You’ve been ‘working on it more’ for 3 years now.” Chan paces in the recording studio, Felix standing deadly still near the door. An easy way out, if Felix couldn’t handle any more.

Felix remains silent. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what he _can_ say.

“I don't understand, Felix. You say you'll work on it again and again but you never actually show me any improvement." The comment stings. Felix tries not to flinch. "Again and again you tell me to give you more time, that you aren't confident enough. Will you ever be at this point? Are you even sure you want this?" Chan has stopped pacing now. He stares straight into Felix's soul, the younger unable to look away. He's too scared of what will happen if he does.

But slowly, as the words sink in, that fear turns into something darker. A fire burns inside Felix. Is this what Chan has always thought this whole time? The older, more than anyone else, knows how hard Felix works. He knows how Felix works himself to sickness at times. How much performing, making music, being a part of Stray Kids means to him.

So really, Chan is clearly spilling bullshit right now.

Felix eyes go hard, and he straightens up as he points an excusatory finger towards Chan. "You're fucking with me right now, right? You know that's all bullshit. You are talking nonsense just because you're fucking stressed out and you're lashing out on me." Felix rarely swore, but clearly he's too mad to even care.

Chan immediately gets defensive. "Of course I'm stressed, Felix! _You_ try writing an entire album. _You_ try being the leader of this god-forsaken group. I'm tired as fuck and you half-assing everything isn't making my job any easier!" Chan is fuming now.

"Half-assing everything? Is this a joke? You out of all people know just how hard I work. Just because I don't know how to write and produce _yet_ , doesn't mean I'm not putting in effort!" Felix is shaking, and tears are threatening to fall. He hates fighting.

"Oh! So if you're working soooo hard," Chan is mocking Felix now - "then why do you keep fucking up the Korean lyrics, huh?" Before he could properly think about it, the next words spill out his mouth.

"Maybe JYP was right."

The deafening silence that fills the studio feels suffocating. Felix can physically feel his heart break, and his entire body goes cold.

Chan didn't need to explain what JYP was right about. Felix knew. Very well.

Felix looks into Chan's eyes, and sees a flash of regret behind them. It doesn't matter, though. The words have already been said.

Felix's voice is emotionless. He doesn't even cry. He just gives a small nod in understanding.

"Got it. Good to know this is what you think of me after all these years, hyung. Thanks for your honesty."

He grabs his things, Chan frozen in place. He steps out of the studio, and turns to Chan again.

"Don't come home too late." Felix pauses. His gaze moves to the laptop screen, where his unfinished vocal recording sat. "And you can delete me off that track, if you want to. I probably ruined it, right?"

Without waiting for an answer, Felix closes the door and leaves Chan standing there, speechless. He couldn't stop Felix even if he tried.

Chan feels a drop of water land on his shirt. He looks at it, confused. But as he spots another rolling off his cheek, it finally hits him that it isn't water. It's tears.

Chan has been crying for the past 5 minutes and he only just realized.

He can't feel anything anymore.

———

Chan fucked up. He knew this. As he sat motionless in the studio, the vile words that came out of his own mouth replay in his head. He feels physically disgusting, wondering how in the world he even had those thoughts. He loved Felix, he knew how hardworking he was and how insanely talented he is. So why did the exact opposite leave his mouth?

The guilt that consumed him was overbearing. It felt like a heavy weight on him, leaving him gasping for air. He had to talk to Felix.

Chan got up from his seat, leaving everything behind and ran towards the dorms. There was no point waiting, no use in wasting even more time. He prayed and hoped that Felix actually went to the dorm, instead of wandering somewhere else. He has never seen Felix so...void. It was scary to think that _he_ made him like that.

Chan unlocked the door, intending to head straight to Felix's room, but he stopped dead in his tracks at the sight in front of him.

"...Felix? W-What are you doing?" Chan stutters. He can't believe he's seeing an all too familiar scene play out in front of him.

Felix is running around the dorm, stuffing his belongings into a duffle bag. Hyunjin, the only other person in the room, is following Felix's movements, screaming for him to explain.

Felix ignores both of them, his eyes red and downcast. The guilt in Chan increases by tenfold, and it almost makes him fall from the weight of it. He rubs his eyes, hoping this was some sick nightmare and that he's still in the studio. All it did was make his eye sore, though.

"What happened?! Lixie, please tell me you're okay! Where are you going?!" Hyunjin is repeating himself, swearing in both Korean and English. The desperation in his eyes is terrifying to look at.

"Felix... You don't know what you're doing. You cannot leave." Chan begs. He can't believe he's saying those words again, so soon.

Felix finally stops after zipping up the bag, and looks up at Chan. The elder realizes he hasn't taken everything. He spots Felix's favourite mug still on the counter. Chan allows a glimmer of hope to reach him.

"I'm not leaving." Chan and Hyunjin release the breath they didn't realize they were holding. They both wait silently for Felix to continue.

"I'll just be staying somewhere else for a while." Felix takes a deep breath, and looks up straight to Chan. The older feels a cold shiver run down his spine. "I'll only come back once I'm _good enough_."

Hyunjin starts protesting, his loud voice filling the room. Felix eyes soften when he looks over at Hyunjin, mumbled 'sorrys' spilling from his lips. Chan's throat is dry, but he tries his best to speak up.

"Felix, you know I didn't mean what I said." Chan knows he looks like the biggest hypocrite in the world right now. "I'm so fucking sorry, Lix. I regret what I said with every bone in my body and I don't expect you to forgive me now but _please_ -" Chan begs. "Please don't go. You are good enough. You are more than enough, Lix. Please."

Hyunjin stares between the two, and Chan can see him connecting the dots. That Felix's behavior is Chan's fault. That whatever Chan did is making Felix run away. Chan is honestly scared of the deadly look the younger gives him.

Felix picks up his bag, and heads towards the door. Chan finally reaches out to him, grabbing his arm. He's desperate.

Felix turns back to look at Chan, eyes cold. "Stop calling me Lix, and never-" Felix retracts his arms away from Chan. "- _Never_ , touch me again."

With that, for the second time that day, Felix walks out and leaves Chan frozen in place.

How the fuck is he going to fix this?

———

As they all find out the day after, Felix had already arranged with the company that he’s taking a ‘personal break’ and will be staying at a hotel with his manager. Chan is relieved that Felix is at least safe, but the emptiness he feels in the dorm still puts him on edge.

That, and the fact that Hyunjin has not stopped glaring at him since the fight.

The group is gathered in the living room, their manager having just stepped out, when Hyunjin’s loud voice catches everyone by surprise.

“What the fuck did you do, Chan hyung?” Hyunjin is angry, angrier than he has ever been - even in his pre-debut days. The other members flinch at the harshness of his words, but grow concerned when they realize what the blonde is insinuating.

Chan freezes and his face turns red. How’s he gonna explain this one?

“I…”

Changbin speaks up before Chan could continue. “What happened last night?”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes and lets out a big sigh. “Felix came back home crying and I was freaking out. He wouldn’t talk to me but he just started packing his stuff up. I kept asking him what’s wrong, but he wouldn’t say why.” Hyunjin feels his anger boiling further as he recalls the night before.

“Chan hyung then came home, and started apologizing for something he said. And from what I could deduce, he said something along the lines of ‘Felix isn’t good enough’.” Hyunjin stares cold daggers into Chan.

A few gasps are heard in the room, and everyone’s eyes are now on him. Chan feels so small.

“You wouldn’t… Right hyung?” Jeongin’s softly speaks up. Chan is Felix’s number 1 supporter. He loved Felix more than anyone else in the room. It seemed impossible for those words to be true.

But alas, they were. “I… did say those things. And worse.” Chan admits.

“What the hell, hyung?” Jisung’s voice is condescending. The anger and disappointment in his tone is obvious.

“I- I was caught up in the argument and said things I didn’t mean. Not that that excuses the words I said, but I just wasn’t thinking straight.” Chan sighs in defeat. “I tried apologizing to him, but he didn’t accept it… Which is justified.”

He looks up to see Minho looking at him with a look of pity. Yeah, seems about right. Chan fucked up so bad that he doesn’t know how he’s gonna make everything ok again.

“Well, there’s no point telling you how much you fucked up, hyung - because I’m sure you are very well aware of it. All we can do now is wait for him to come home and focus on the comeback.” Minho took over the authoritative role, without batting a single eye. The group needed an anchor, and Chan clearly couldn’t be one right now. “You guys try not to overwhelm the kid with messages, okay? But send him more love. He probably really needs it.”

And with that, the group disperses, leaving Chan sitting alone in the living room, still staring at his hands.

He just hopes Felix isn’t as broken as he feels right now.

———

Felix sighs as he returns to his hotel room, immediately crashing on the bed, exhausted from the day. He had told the company to call it a ‘personal break’, but really he wasn’t taking a break at all.

Felix had arranged a special schedule with the company, one that he has actually been saving for some time now. He has always been a fairly insecure person. It’s just who he is. No matter how many praises, how many compliments he can get, he will always feel like he isn’t good enough. And honestly, the thought used to send him into a slump. He used to let the negative thoughts consume him, and leave him useless for weeks on end. But as he grew up, and as he learned more about the control he has on his own life - he realizes it’s not such a negative thing after all. He uses the feeling of not being on par with his expectations, as a heavy motivator to do better. To work harder. To put in more effort than everyone else around him.

So that’s exactly what he’s been doing. He took time off from their group schedules, in order to commit to working on himself, 15 hours of the day, until he feels like he can go back with a noticeable improvement. When they have group schedules, the trainings and practices are all split up, and there’s not enough time in a day to really focus on each of them individually. By separating himself from that, Felix is able to spend sufficient time on his language classes, his vocal and rap lessons and his dance practices. He has been using private rooms within the hotel, and trainers from the company. After all, he did bring up this plan ages ago when he first thought about it. Felix was just grateful that they did it all in such short notice.

He’s tired, beyond exhausted - but he feels more satisfied with his progress than ever before. He doesn’t know how long he’s going to do this for, but it’s only been a week and he genuinely feels better than ever.

Of course, Chan’s words play back in his mind frequently throughout the 7 days. It hurts, that the leader, the one he trusts the most, lashed out like that. But Felix is (at flaw) too understanding for his own good. He knows Chan didn’t mean the words he said. The bond they have too strong for that to be questioned. Admittedly, he did question it in the heat of the argument - but with a clear head, Felix knows the intentions behind Chan’s words. Chan only wants the best for him, so Felix is doing just that.

He scrolls through the new messages from the members, responding happily to all of them. He misses them, weirdly enough, but he’s relieved that they gave him space and haven’t been judgmental at all this entire time.

Chan’s texts however… The 15 unread messages stare at Felix almost mockingly. He wants to read them, to tell Chan that it’s okay and he’s really not that mad. But he figures saying that face to face would be much better. Just as he thinks about it, Chan’s caller ID flashes on his screen. Talk about perfect timing, he guesses.

Despite the petty voice in his head, trying to convince Felix to continue avoiding him, Felix answers the video call.

“Hey, hyung. What’s up?” Felix asks casually.

“Oh.” Chan just stares at the screen, not expecting Felix to answer his call at all.

“Surprised I picked up?” Felix looks at his hyung, and his heart aches when he notices the dark circles under his eyes, the messy unkempt hair and the permanent frown on his face.

It takes Chan another 10 seconds to get his head together. “Uh. Y-Yeah. You haven’t been responding to my texts so I just assumed-”

“I figured it’ll be better to talk to you face to face about this, no point risking miscommunication.” Felix explains calmly.

“Oh. Yeah that makes sense.” Chan softly chuckles. Felix has always been better at this.

A silence surrounds them, Felix waiting for Chan to continue.

“I’m-I’m really sorry, Felix. I won’t try to make excuses, because what I did was completely out of line and I had no rights to say the things I said.” Chan takes a deep breath. He’s really nervous. “You know how much I love you, right? You know how valuable you are to the team, right?”

Felix thinks about it. Sure, he gets insecure. Sure, he isn’t the most confident in himself nor his skills. But one thing Felix knows for sure, is that he belongs in Stray Kids. It’s his home, his purpose - his family. He knows he has a place here.

He _also_ knows just how much Chan cares about him.

It’s hard to try to deny it, even with layers of insecurity and worry clouding his head. Chan and Felix have been through so much together. The two have spent countless nights just talking, sharing words of comfort, repeating just how much they mean to each other. Felix knows, through and through, that those moments solidify the bond the pair have with each other. It’s something that took years of work, but it left them with a connection almost untouchable.

Felix smiles at Chan, and the grin only gets wider when a look of relief washes over the older’s face. “I do, hyung. I promise.”

The small sparkle is back in Chan’s eyes, and Felix realises just how much he missed it.

“So… What have you been up to?” Chan asks, noticeably lighter now.

“Working on myself. Taking time to improve the things I lack.” Felix explains. There’s no hurt or pain in his voice. Felix is doing this for himself - not to prove something to Chan.

Felix can see the worry seep back onto Chan’s face, and before the leader can mumble words of apology again, Felix cuts him off.

“It’s not anything bad, hyung. I’ve had this plan for a while now, just that the time to use it came quicker than expected. I know you think this is your fault, but really, I’m doing this for myself.” Felix runs a hand through his hair, sweaty from the practice earlier.

“Your words did hurt me, Chan. They probably would have broken me if you said them just a year ago. But I’ve been working on myself a lot, especially recently. I’m not as fragile as I used to be. I’ve learned to love myself a bit more every day, and it’s a long process which will go on for the rest of my life - but I’m okay. And I really mean that.”

It feels good to say it all out loud, instead of just constantly reminding himself in his head or writing them down in his diaries. Felix smiles at himself. He’s proud of how much stronger he has become.

Small sniffles are heard, and Felix’s eyes soften as he realises that Chan’s crying.

“I-Fuck. I’m so happy, Lix. I’m so fucking proud of you.” Chan is smiling, the first time that week. Felix notices the nickname, and knows that Chan understands him completely. That they both acted on emotions, said things they don’t mean, and promised themselves to learn from their mistakes.

“Thank you, Chan. I’m proud of myself too.”

The two of them chat for a few minutes more, before Felix has to say goodbye. He takes the opportunity to tease Chan for being so sappy, and they both laugh.

Felix puts his phone down, clutches the sun charm hanging around his neck, and sighs happily.

At the dorm, Chan does the exact same, hand around the matching moon.

And as Felix heads home the day after and they go back to their normal routines, Felix and Chan share knowing smiles. 

The dark clouds have cleared for now, and left remaining is the sun, brighter than ever.

The rain will pour again, but it’s nothing Felix and Chan can’t handle.

After all, you can’t hide the sun and moon for long - for they will always rise again.

**Author's Note:**

> yes, im back with another Feelings™️ fic bc writing is how i process my own emotions.
> 
> this wasnt supposed to be as ‘long’ as it is, but i hope u like it.
> 
> pls say hi to me on twitter i love u - @eternitytrack


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